Yes, Virginia, There Is A Santa Claus

In 1897, an editor for the New York Sun replied to a little girl named Virginia with the now infamous line, "Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus." 

Well, we here at DaJa Vu Films also received a letter from a girl named Virginia, and have decided to post her letter and our response.

Dear DaJa Vu Films,

I'm seven years old and relly enjoyed your movie about the bunnyman. Some of my friends are telling me that there ain't no Santa Claus, but my mommie says there is. Being so smart and wonderful, I'm sure you know the truth because mommie lies to step daddi about Mr Banks from the trailer two rows down coming over when he's not home so would you please please tell me if Santa Claus is real or not.

You're fan

Virginia

P. S. Could you send me a copy of Black Market Kidneys for Christmas. I here it's relly gud.

Dear Virginia, 

Your friends are idiots who can't see the signs all around them. For once your mother is telling the truth. 

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus, and he's one sick son of a bitch. The proof is in the pudding as they say, but Santa Claus, like Satan,  is very good at covering his tracks and fooling people like your dumb ass little friends into thinking he doesn't exist.  If he didn't exist, there wouldn't have been so many movies made about him. It's all part of his diabolical plan to take over the world. 

Think about it, Virginia, from the time we are able to speak, we are told it's ok for this guy we don't know to sneak into our houses late at night while law abiding citizens are snugly neslted in their beds with visions of plasma TV's and sugar tits dancing in their heads.  Does he have the decency to come through the door like a normal person? No, he slinks down the chimney with a sack slung over his shoulder. In the real world, Virginia, we have a name for people like this; thieves and we call the cops when we spot them lurking around the neighborhood. Or in some southern regions of the United States we take out the middle man and run for the shotgun and give him till the count of three to get his fat ass off our property. 

We're even taught to look forward to the one night a year this fucker and his compatriots go on an all night, worldwide crime spree. I don't know about you, but on Christmas morning I wake up to find my toilet is clogged, all my food has been eaten, there's reindeer shit all over the roof, the china closet has been cleaned out and my bank book is missing. 

And let's not forget the child slave labor. The so called "elves" that Santa keeps locked up in his impregnable fortress of solitude, where they work all day making toys with no compensation. This elf smokescreen may have worked back in the day when toys were actually made by hand. But now, any self respecting kid wants mass produced toys made by evil syndicates passing themselves off as toy companies. Meaning Santa's kids-oops, I mean "elves"-are obsolete as toy makers, so why does old St. Nick keep them on? Because he contracts them out to Kathy Lee and human traffickers. 

What about the Christmas song  Santa Claus is Coming to Town? To refresh your memory, the lyrics are:

"he knows when you are sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good; so be good for goodness sake."

Obviously, Virginia, no one has taken the time to decode this song. Flashy Christmas jingle? I think not. Warning that there is something seriously rotten in the North Pole? You bet your ass!

Think about it, how does S. C. know when we're sleeping? Hidden cameras. How does he know when we're awake? He sends one of his evil little midget demons to tail us. How does he know when we've been bad? Same way the Feds know what those * Badass Mother Fuckers in the mob are up to, phone taps. 

* (editor's note: we here at DaJa Vu Films do not condone actual violence, murder, or other illegal activities; however, we do admire the strong business tactics of La Cosa Nostra)

Your friends may claim that Santa doesn't exist because we can't see him. Well, Virginia, you could have your step father and all of his beer swilling buddies sit out in the trailer park on Christmas Eve with their shotguns looking for Santa and his reindeer, and they'd still not see him. But, much like the ever elusive G-spot; just because you can't see something, does not mean it doesn't exist. 

So, be afraid, Virginia, be very afraid; because yes, there is a Santa Claus. He's got your phones tapped, a camera hidden in your favorite teddy bear, and he's coming to your house tonight to recruit you into his child slave labor business.

Your Friends At DaJa Vu Films

WANTED

Santa Claus

AGE: UNKNOWN

SEX: MALE

D.O.B.: UNKOWN

CURRENT WHEREABOUTS: NORTH POLE

Suspect is described as reclusive, appearing only one night a year, but jolly.

Physical Description: Short. Rosy cheeks. Snowy white hair and beard. A large, round belly that jiggles when he laughs, like a bowl full of jelly. Last seen wearing a ratty red suit, worn black boots, and a nappy red night cap.

Known Accomplices: Comet, Cupid, Donder and Blitsen, Rudie the Red, Eddie the Elf, and Bloody Ma Claus.

Aliases: Old St. Nick, Father Christmas, Chris Cringle.  

Artwork copyright 2009 by Jason Brown